Monthly Archives: November 2011

The Viscious Cycle


I am fortunate enough to see a fabulous endocrinologist.  She is the ideal doctor.  I know this because I have seen many doctors in four different states over the last 20 years, I have been blessed and been challenged and after the birth of my second miracle I knew I had to find the perfect doctor to see me through the next phase of my chronic illness.  She is so ideal, so educated, so perfect that everyone wants to see her and therefore I only see her every 5-6 months (most diabetic check-ups are every 3 months, so I see the CNP in between visits.)  Monday was the day!  My appointment with Dr. Amazing!  After six months at the gym, leveled out meds for my thyroid and depression, better eating habits and more blood sugar checks, I was excited to see if my hard work had paid off!  My A1C dropped .5 points which is good, but not great, not what I had hoped, less than what I expected.  Everything else (eyes, kidneys, thyroid, pump sites, fingers, toes) looks fine.  Everything is still what I have to work at every single day.

Dr. Amazing and I discussed the changes I had made, adjusted my pump settings, set some goals, etc.  She was explaining how diet and exercise does no good for weight loss if it is not backed up with the right amount of sleep and too much stress.  Well, great.  Isn’t that fabulous?  I have been at the gym three times a week for the past six months and have not seen enough changes because of sleep and stress?  Seriously!  And let’s remember, I am one blessed gal.  Should not be stressed about anything.  I will work more on that today.

I spent the rest of Monday trying to rationalize everything and come up with a plan.  It is simple, or so it sounds.  Check my blood sugar more, reduce stress, get enough sleep.  Doesn’t everyone do that???  So, 2am comes along and I get up to check my blood sugar and it is 54.  Time for a snack, another blood sugar check and my normal one hour to get back to sleep.  Here the vicious cycle continues!  Trying to perfect the blood sugars….blood sugar goes low…..lack of sleep…..causes more stress…….no weight lost…..more stress….higher blood sugars….less motivation to constantly do the right thing…..Only I can break the cycle.  Only I can have a more positive attitude with each high or low blood sugar, with each pump problem, with each time my 3-year-old throws a fit as we are getting to the gym.  Only I can choose to put back on the Continuous Glucose Monitor and be annoyed by beeps and a zillion blood sugar checks to lower my A1C.  Only I can check my blood sugar, change my pump, eat the right thing, exercise enough, pray enough, be grateful for research and changes and medical advances.  Only I can hold onto hope while behaving as if this is how it will be.  For the rest of my life.

Monday was National Diabetes Awareness Day.  As I sat in the waiting room for Dr. Amazing surrounded by unhealthy and grumpy people (seriously depressing),  I imagined what it would be like to begin my appointment with her saying “Mendy!  Good news!  There is a cure!  Leave your pump and glucometer and stress at the door and begin your new life!”  I can see this so clearly.  One day….





Please Read


The more honest I am, the less response I receive to my blog posts. Not sure if anyone besides my dear friend is reading, but, that is ok. I do not have time to be “ok” with this chronic illness anymore and I certianly do not have the time and energy to sugar coat it. No pun intended. So, if you are brave, read on.

I am tired. No, I am worn out. I am exhausted. Being a good wife, good Mom, good sister, being a good volunteer a couple hours a week, being a good friend, being good at the things I want to do keeps me going. Everyday, I must be a good diabetic, and this is exhausting. Thinking about it, planning for it, making it all work, every single day, for over 20 years has worn me down to being honest and sometimes grumpy, yet still believing in a cure, hoping for an easier day to come.

Ben had a complete meltdown today at Old Navy. If you were there, I am sorry. After ten minutes of trying to make it work, I grabbed several shirts for family pictures (the only reason I would take them both shopping…deadline of family photo session) and made our way to the front check out. As I continued to wrestle with Ben and pay, he pulled my “Life is Good” cosmetic case from my purse and unzipped it in a fury sending all of my diabetic supplies flying. All over the check out area. There the three Old Navy employees and four other customers all stood in awe. Batteries (for my pump), an insulin bottle, lancets, two syrenges, a small bag of skittles, a granola bar, a kleenex, my glucometer and a bottle of testing strips all went flying. If I hadn’t been so exhausted I would have sat down and cried. Within seconds my sweet Zach says “I can help, Mama” and the two of us began gathering my livelihood from the floor and counter, while everyone else watched.

We gathered the most expensive items and I am still not sure what was left behind. My blood sugar was dropping by the nano second, my three year old who had refused a nap was loosing it and we had to leave. Pride or no pride. Just one more day in my life, one more reason I am exhausted. I went into the shopping experience with a perfect blood sugar and by the time it was over I was sweating and shaking and needed a snack. Not that it was Ben’s fault, no little boy wants to help pick out clothes. It was just what the afternoon involved.

November is National Diabetes Awareness Month. A time where we get a little more press, where money is a little easier to raise. Where we can ask strangers for support of things like the artificial pancreas. Those of you who know me, know that I am not going to give you all the scientific terms and stats. I am just going to ask! And maybe beg. Today I am asking you to sign a petition to encourage the FDA to continue the research and funding for the Artificial Pancreas! I read a blog earlier today reminding her readers that 1 in 20 Type One Diabetics die of low blood sugar. Pretty frigthening considering the fact that it was just in the last two years I know more than 20 other diabetics. My chances of being the 1 in 20 is too real, too scary. Especially when I have a day like today where my low blood sugar goes public and my diabetic supplies end up all over the front counter of Old Navy. And I am reminded that I am Ben and Zach’s Mama and cannot leave that job to anyone else. That I have to eat right and prick my fingers and exercise and keep my pump working so that I can deal with their meltodwns and watch them grow and love them til I am old and gray.

1 in 20. The honest, grumpy truth. I would appreciate it from the bottom of my heart if you would take 45 seconds (I timed it, that is all it takes to read what JDRF has to say and type your name) Click here to sign JDRF’s Artificial Pancreas Petition and know that I am grateful. Me and at least 20 others who are counting on this artificial pancreas and the hope that the complications of Type One Diabetes won’t take us too soon.