The Annual Post

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I write at least one blog post a month, in my head. They are outstanding pieces and perhaps one day they will be published. This one piece gets published because I feel like it helps me mark time and perhaps, just maybe, one person will read it and feel a little better about their journey.

 
Today marks 26 years with Type One. I remember many parts of August 8, 1991 so vividly. I could probably write an entire book just about that day and some of the most memorable days and moments that followed as I journeyed through junior high and high school with this chronic illness. The next book would cover college years and getting married and being a young adult able to take on the world. Then, book three would be about preparing to be pregnant as a Type One, eight months of pregnancy, the premature birth of my first miracle, the difficulties that went along with that AND the complications of his premature birth that did not show up until after he was eight years old. The next book would be about my second miracle and the joy of his life and also of postpartum depression and wondering how my tight, close to perfect diabetes control would change after becoming a mom of two. The current book would be about the struggle of achieving balance in life with two happy, healthy boys, managing a home and life and career that also allows me the time and energy and ability to keep control of my Type One. It has not gotten easier, it is not less of an emotional burden than it was 15 or 20 years ago, it is more of a challenge and carries more of a stigma than I ever thought possible.

Today I am thankful.  Thankful for my Faith that has sustained me through the difficult moments and the Grace I have been extended countless times.  Thankful for the opportunity to wake up each morning and thank God for seeing me through yet another night and for the health of my boys. Thankful for my husband and my miracles and my parents and my family.  Thankful for the progress in technology, how much easier controlling T1 has become and all that we can anticipate.

If you are reading this as a T1D Parent, there is hope.  There has been an unbelievable amount of progress in the past 20 years and your child WILL see a cure in their lifetime. Continue to have faith and trust and make the most of each day.  Continue to reach out to other T1 families and never feel alone, there are too many of us for anyone to feel like they are on this journey by themselves.
My family and friends could probably quickly write a book of their own, so they all get a shout out today just in case I never publish that amazing book and they don’t get the dedication page they deserve…

  • To my parents, Mark and Pam, for handling it all from that first moment. No one knows what a T1D diagnosis means until it happens to your family. Their lives changed forever in that day and they have handled it all with grace and tireless, selfless energy. They learned all that they could, gave me the best life possible, they have cried with me and held me and wished they could take it all away so many times. There is no way to thank them for all the late-night phone calls they would wait for and still do, the hours of sleep they lost when I was living at home and when I wasn’t. Their unconditional love is a gift.
  • To my sister, Lindsay, for never hating me forever for how I acted (and continue to act) when my blood sugar was high and when it was low. Thanks for always being my cheerleader and for marrying an awesome guy who would quickly become my second favorite emergency call.
  • To my Jeff, who married this disease when he proposed so many years ago. He had no idea what it entailed, but has been a positive presence, a financial and emotional support of each and every part. And, he has saved my life from slipping away through a low blood sugar more than a few times. Husband of the Year, every year!
  • My cousin Kelly, Aunt Pat and Aunt Chris were there when my parents told me about my diagnosis and they have been huge supporters ever since. I was blessed with an understanding and supportive extended family.  All four of my grandparents surrounded our family during those crazy hospital days in August and I always felt encouraged by their love and support and I know my folks did too. This seems like it should be the “norm” of new T1 families, but it is not.  My family has grown so much in 26 years and I am thankful for the support and love I receive from each of you.
  • I am so thankful for my T1 hero, Susanne, and think of her everyday with great wonder and admiration.  Susanne, you lead an incredible life and I am so thankful to have you as a role model.
  • I couldn’t end today without thanking the nurses and doctors and educators who have cared for me over the years.  I am thankful to still keep in touch with most of you and I hope you know that you are appreciated and admired.  Thank You Debbie, Dana, Nurse Jane, Hyong, Betsy, Cathy, Amy, Dr. Wilson, Dr. Jelley, Dr. Flesner and the slew of people I saw at Navy hospitals across the country.  Thanks to all the school nurses that have cared for me as a teacher and all my principals and bosses that have been kind.  Thank you to those of you who were my friends and stood by me 26 years ago, my friends and roommates 20 years ago, friends and colleagues 15 and 10 years ago or those of you who have not been scared off by my need for details and planning and offer your gift of friendship still.  This life is not easy, but I am grateful for each day.

If you read to the end, leave me a comment so that I can add you to the Cure Party list!  Those plans are still being made and I can’t wait to celebrate with you. You have my love and appreciation!

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Return to Writing

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I was pleasantly surprised to realize it has only been a year and a half since my last post, and thanks to the wonders of the internet, my blog address still exists.  If you are reading as a past follower (all five of you, God Bless You) or as a new reader I thank you from the very bottom of my heart!

This blog was started to capture the challenges of living as a Type One Diabetic and as free therapy.  That will still be true, but this blog will take different directions in the coming months.  There are a few simple reasons for the return of my blog that I think it is important you understand:

  1. I have been looking for good books about raising brothers or raising opposite siblings, or just surviving as a boy mom.  I haven’t read exactly what I need, so I hope that one phrase or one sentence that I write might be the encouragement someone else needs.  Writing is my therapy and hopefully my mothering skills will improve due to my honest confessions and reflections.  Maybe one of you girly girls with small boys at  your feet might  not feel so alone.
  2. Every semester in my job as an instructor at our local community college, I spend time talking with my students about writing down their goals and having a plan to accomplish them.  Two of my goals for a very long time have been to have an article published in a well-read magazine and to publish a children’s book.  One of these goals is closer to completion than the other and I need to be writing for a public audience to help make both goals come to fruition.
  3. My Weight Watchers Coach suggested I find a way to deal with my stress and emotions that keeps me out of the kitchen.

I have been writing and look forward to blog publishing on the following topics.  I am a helper by nature and would love to know that something I wrote (experienced, thought, felt, prayed about and then published) helped someone in some small way.  If you know someone who might benefit from following me, I would appreciate you sharing.  Here are topics for the Fall:

  • Brothers, raising boys, being a Boy Mom and having no idea what I am doing
  • Raising opposites
  • Dysgraphia and how to help your child with dysgraphia
  • Friendship
  • Living life in an attempt to produce good, happy, productive people and not go crazy in the process
  • Education, teaching, schools and my wishes & dreams for opening my own school
  • Type One Diabetes and my thoughts and reflections on 25 years strong

Thank you so much for sharing part of your day with me.  I would LOVE to know your accomplishments or thoughts or ideas on any of the above topics and look forward to reading your comments!

 

When there is a cure….

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I have been working on this for awhile and decided today was a good day to post it. Thanks for reading, it is my therapy to type the words that are on my mind and in my heart and hope that they might help just one other person.  Please share with any parents of Type 1 Diabetics or other Type 1s you might know.

Life is tough.  Raising a family to the very best of your ability is tough.  Doing a job to the best of your ability while juggling family life is tough.  Doing all this while maintaining a chronic illness is tough and some days are a whole lot tougher than others.

So, when life gets really tough I try to think of how one day it will change.  The day that there is a cure for Type 1 Diabetes is close, it really is.  I didn’t believe there would ever be a cure until the last two years, and now I do think there will be a cure in my lifetime.  The research that is being done, the trials that are being run, there is hope.  Until then, my daily regiment does not change.  Until then, my explanation to people of the difference between Type 1 Diabetes and Type 2 Diabetes continues with a sting in my heart.  Until there is a cure, I will continue to make sure all parents know the warning signs of Type 1 so that their child will never be so sick that there is no turning back (frequent urination, increased liquid intake, moodiness, change in appetite, muscle pain.)  And, until there is a cure, I will thank God for my health, my caring family, my patient husband and his great health insurance, for my two miracles who are now 6 and 8.  I thank God for informed doctors like Dr. Flesner, Dr. Jelley, all the nurses in my life and for the kind pharmacists at Target.  I will thank God for my ability to feel low and high blood sugars.  I will continue to thank God for the amazing life I am leading and the strength to get up and do the same thing tomorrow.

When there is a cure my prayers every single day will have more “thank you for the cure” and less “please protect my boys from this terrible disease.”  (I did a great amount of research with doctors before we considered having kids, and was reassured because it didn’t run in my family, I was not likely to pass it on, but there is still worry)

When there is a cure I will wear nightgowns!!!!  I will wear dresses without my pump in a spandex, terribly uncomfortable belt around my waist.  I will be able to get out of bed quickly without unwinding my pump tubing and finding my pump.

When there is a cure I won’t have to try on pants just to see how my pump fits in the pockets.

When there is a cure I will have the unbelievable freedom to go for a walk, jump in for a swim, dance, Jazzercise without a blood sugar test before and after and snack adjustment.  I will be able to play and exercise without the constant thought in my head of “What is my blood sugar right now and what do I need to do about it?”

When there is a cure I will be able to carry a smaller purse, or not have to carry a purse at all!  I carry extra pump supplies, a glucometer, strips, insulin pin, glucose tabs and at least one granola bar wherever I go.  For 23 years my purse has not been a fashion statement or an accessory, but a safety net, a “must have.”

When there is a cure I will be able to have a glass of wine at dinner or have a beer poolside or have a margarita with my sister and not set my alarm to wake up every two hours to make sure my blood sugars aren’t going too high or too low because of the alcohol content in my system.

When there is a cure I can have orange juice with my breakfast without having to take something away from lunch or dinner.

When there is a cure I will have more time with my boys in the morning instead of working pump problems, changing sites, checking blood sugars, being ready for the day with my supplies.

When there is a cure I will eat chocolate without prior proper planning! (moderation is the key to success, so I save my chocolate time for when my Mom makes chocolate sheet cake and will have a few  M&Ms when I take my boys to the movies)

When there is a cure I will take Jeff on a fabulous vacation with the amount of money we are not spending on pump supplies, glucometer strips, insulin, doctor’s visits.  Plus, traveling between time zones will be 100 times easier when I am not managing insulin and food and activity and sleep!

When there is a cure I won’t have to worry about how the emotions or stress of  the day is effecting my blood sugars. The good, the bad, the ugly goes through my blood onto a strip and a meter reads me the result. Then, I deal with it.  A few hours later, I do the same thing.  Then, a few hours later I check again.  Some days more checks, depressed days result in less. Every single day for 23 years, the good, the bad and the ugly and their results.  Every single day until there is a cure.

When You Have to Choose

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Returning to my blog is cheaper than returning to my psychiatrist.  I hope that some of my T1D friends can feel useful by offering their advice, or maybe not as alone in their own struggles.  I hope that parents of T1Ds can see the promise of a long, healthy life as a diabetic.  I hope the rest of you enjoy the fabulous writing.  Just kidding.

I have felt particularly called by God for three things in my life: 1) Jeff!  I knew the first week that I met Jeff that I would marry him.  I didn’t know how a long distance relationship was going to work, I knew that I was only 18, but I knew that he was my soul mate. 2) Teaching!  I had a classroom in my bedroom when I was in elementary school.  I thought I was avoiding a career in education by majoring in psychology, then found myself back in the classroom and in graduate school.  Teaching is a calling and I was blessed to be in the classroom for four years before my boys were born.  3) Motherhood!  I knew always that I wanted to have children and that I would have to work to control my diabetes long before I was ready to be pregnant.  And I did.  For 14 years I ate the right things, checked my blood sugar, didn’t drink, didn’t sleep in, regulated my insulin + exercise + stress intake.  I knew that I had to be an A+ diabetic to have a chance at delivering a healthy baby.  Once my doctor gave me the “approval” for pregnancy I knew the life I was living was no longer just for me.  Fast forward a year and then 19 months after my first child was born and I was the proud Type One Diabetic with two healthy pregnancies!  While I was pregnant I managed my stress, exercised, checked my blood sugar 8-12 times a day, God has blessed me with two healthy boys and I am more thankful for them every single day.

With two of God’s callings in the right place (happy hubby, happy kids) a year ago I returned to teaching.  I had been blessed to be home with my boys for seven years and didn’t miss a single “first,” but was thrilled with to be back in the classroom.   When I am teaching I am being true to who I am, to what I think is part of God’s purpose for my life.  I take great care in being a fabulous employee, a great colleague, a good neighbor and facilitating a safe and positive environment where all students can learn.  In my classroom there is a clear sense of my purpose and I truly am good at what I do.  I am not just saying that, you can ask all four principals I have worked for.  I have been gifted with the skills needed to manage a middle school classroom and make learning fun and different nearly every single day.  I have been gifted with creativity to meet the needs of 25 students at a time while following the district’s curriculum guidelines.  Although I run a classroom with high expectations, my students (all except one in five years, seriously) appreciate me by April and have learned what focus and hard work can achieve in a classroom where they feel safe and able to make mistakes.   I love teaching, I love being a positive part of an adolescent’s life and assumed it would always be a part of who I was.

When I returned to the classroom in August I knew that the task of being a good Mom and being a good teacher would be a balancing act.  Throw in a chronic illness and you have a three ring circus!  Beginning in November my endocrinologist was concerned about my stress level and how it was effecting my body, my blood sugars, my overall health.  I tried to reduce stress, let go of some things, etc.  Anyone who is associated with public schools in 2014 knows that there are great differences than there were 10 or 20 years ago.  Curriculum has changed.  Testing has changed.  We would get through one realm of tests and by the time you assessed the data and altered your teaching, it was time for another realm of tests.  Parenting has changed and that affected which students I worried about, who I worked extra to help, who I spent time trying to find services for.   I exercised more, I did more deep breathing, I drank more water, I let go of what I could let go.  By April it was clear that this full-time dream job in an amazing building with incredible colleagues was not agreeing with my body.  My beloved doctor made it clear that if I wanted to work full-time I needed to find a less stressful job,  I was slowly undoing all the hard work I had put into my diabetes control over the last 22 years.  She insisted that a better balance would get me back on track.

So, I put together a stellar presentation to ask my principal and the district to allow me to teach part-time.  It is an impressive slide show if you’d life to see it, complete with how much money the district would save and how easy it would be for me to teach only three classes.  I highlighted success from other school districts and their part-time employees and how the American Disabilities Act was on my side.  This modification seemed so simple!    Unfortunately, HR in my district did not see things my way and I was given the choice to stay employed full-time or to resign.

Devastated does not even begin to describe how I felt.  I went through all the emotions of grief.  Denial, shock, anger, sadness.  I have had to make choices forever to make sure I was healthy.  Sleep vs. wake up and take a shot.  Alcohol vs. Diet Coke.  Exercise vs. Better Exercise.  Crummy doctors vs. Outstanding doctors.  Easy answers vs. Honest Answers.  Never in a million years did I expect that I would have to choose between taking care of my health and my job, my passion, part of my purpose.

So, after the anger dissipated I explained to my boys what was happening, we packed up my beautiful classroom and I gave my principal my letter of resignation, along with many tears.  I sent an email to the teachers in my building explaining my situation, yet every time I see one of them out and about all I can do is cry.  I have seen a few of my students this summer and explain why I am not returning with a lump in my throat and a pain in my being.  I am not over the hurt that I had to choose between my health and my career.  I know that leaving the full-time physical, mental, emotional stress is the right choice, a choice I would make 100 times, but the ache is terrible.

The school supplies are on sale, the teachers are imagining their next set of students and I am so very sad.  I am mad that this chronic illness that became my life so many years ago is affecting who I can be.  When I was diagnosed I remember the doctor telling me “Well, diabetics can’t be pilots or truck drivers, but you can be anything else!”  I seriously did not think that diabetes would effect my career until I left the HR office in May.

So, for my readers who are fellow Type Ones, please let me know what you think of my most recent struggle and how you would deal with it.  I have been applying for part-time jobs, have been offered some amazing full-time jobs, yet continue to look to find something that I think will create balance for me as I begin my 23rd year as a diabetic.  What would you do?????

For my readers who are parents of Type One Diabetics, know that there will be challenges until there is a cure.  Take today’s challenges and make them your own, be proud of the challenges you have overcome and trust God for the challenges you can’t yet imagine.  Living with this disease is just that, living with it.  Every single moment of every single day.

For my readers who have been my colleagues, thank you.  Thank you for stepping in to help with my classroom when my blood sugar bottomed out or when my pump site malfunctioned.  Thank you for being a part of my dream job and purpose whether we learned together in Tacoma or Gig Harbor, I shared your classroom at Marcus Whitman, was proud to be part of your pod in Severna Park, or you became my friend in Owasso.  Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

For my readers who are part of my support group, thank you.  The beginning of June made me an unpleasant person and the beginning of August looks like I should be carrying a Kleenex box around with me at all times.  This disease is so much more than pricking fingers and inserting pump sights.  It is more than a modified diet and control over activity and stress and timing.  It is constant calculations that results in a multitude of emotions.  It is every moment of every day and so much hard work and I would not be as happy and healthy without you, so thank you.

Thanks for reading, I truly appreciate it.  Until my next blog post/therapy session…

 

Twenty-One Years

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We all have moments, events, days in our life that remain in our memory as if they happened yesterday.  The events of August 8, 1991 remain a clear picture in my mind today as I celebrate 21 years as a Type One Diabetic!  The past year and a half I have dealt with more depression and anxiety with my diabetes than ever before.  Which has led me to being more honest, taking things off my plate, asking for help (and being much more difficult to put up with).  My daily prayer is for strength to take care of myself, for the good health of my boys, for all the parents with Type One Diabetics at home, for those who can’t afford the care or medicine they need and for those working on a cure. 

It would be easy to reflect on how many bottles of insulin I have gone through, how many times I have pricked my finger.  It would be easy to complain about the amount of time and thought and attention this chronic illness demands.  As a blessed lady, I feel it more appropriate today to thank my family and friends who have been a part of my journey.    I cannot mention you all by name today, but you know who you are and I hope you realize how grateful I am for your place in my life.

Thank you to the family, friends, pastors, church members who visited me in the hospital (21 years ago when a T1D was diagnosed, you spent several days in the hospital being educated and cared for) and were a presence of love and support for my parents and I from the beginning. 

Thank you to my friends in junior high who saved a place for me at the lunch table while I went to the nurse’s office to check my blood sugar, who didn’t make fun of the HUGE purse I carried to transport all my diabetic supplies, who learned how to recognize low blood sugar when most of our peers were figuring out how to wear make-up.

Thank you to my high school friends who knew what a “low” looked like and how to help me treat it.  Thank you to those of you who drove to lunch when we went out so that I could test my blood sugar on the way.  Thank you to my friends on bus trips, amusement parks, overnight trips who were tolerant and kind and helpful.

Thank you to the fabulous faculty members at NSU who helped me make a smooth transition to college with my baggage!  Thank you to the girls I lived with and near during college who helped me with highs, lows, sick days, emergency Rx trips, and a stash of supplies that took up a significant amount of space where we were living!  Thank you to the brave girls who lived with me while I made the transition to the insulin pump.  Thank you for getting me through those first few tough weeks and tolerating all the annoying beeps and alarms and pump sounds that followed.  Thanks to my friends at NSU and those of you who have become lifelong friends who have seen me at my best and at my worst.

Thank you to my colleagues during graduate school at PLU, my carpool buddies, my mentor teachers for your kindness and understanding as I juggled school, diabetes and a deployed husband while living so far away from family.  Thank you to the ladies of the USS Jackson and the Nevada Blue Girls and the many times you were a great source of help and support.

Thank you to the principals I have worked for, the teachers and staff I have worked with.  In each school I taught at I felt cared for and never judged for the emergency trips to the nurse’s office and having my class covered while I took care of myself.  Thank you to those of you who went above and beyond to be professional and kind and helpful during my toughest days.

Thank you to all the friends and family who have stayed with us at the Stewart B&B and have been loving and patient with their diabetic hostess!  A few of you definitely experienced more than you thought possible!

Thank you to my dear friends who have been helpful and thoughtful and caring when I needed it most.  Please know how grateful I am for you!

Thank you to the professionals who have been part of my excellent care and concern during the past two decades.  Thank you Dr. Wilson, Dr. Jelley, Nurse Dana Greer, Nurse Debbie Ferguson, Nurse Jane Hewett, Nuse Sally Eastam for my care through the first ten years.  Thank you to the doctors and nurses on Navy bases in CT, WA and MD who cared for me as a Navy wife.  Thank you to Dr. Bohl-Witchey, Nurse Kami Moore, Dr. Flesner, Nurse Huong, and Dr. Meyer for caring for me as a burnt-out diabetic.

Thank you to my parents for the best care and support a girl could imagine.  Thank you from the bottom of my heart!  Thank you to my sister for her constant support and love, not an easy task.  Thanks to her lovely husband for being a rescuer for me, and now so many others. Thanks to my extended family and lifelong friends who have been there for all of us.

Thank you to my Jeff for wanting to marry me despite the complications that were and remain a part of the package deal.  Thank you for your ongoing support and sacrifice and love.  Thank you for being my fan, my advocate, my live-in-therapist.  Thanks to my in-laws and their acceptance, support and love.

Thank you to my Zach and Ben who understand that when Mommy is “low” to be helpful.  Thank you for understanding that the large bag in my purse is not to open because despite the sugar it contains, the sharp pointy items could hurt you.  Thank you for knowing to stay 20 feet away while I change my pump site.  Thank you for your curiosity and enthusiasm and understanding of my life as a diabetic.  Thank you for your patience on days when my diabetes takes more time and attention than I would like to give it.  Thank you, Zach, for every once in awhile thinking of another way we can celebrate when a cure is found!  You are my hope and inspiration!

Cheers to Year 21!

Drive-Thru Pharmacy

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Today was “Rx Pick Up” day, not my favorite thing to do.  Ben was almost asleep in the back seat and there was only one car in line, so I went through the drive thru.  I tell the lady my name and that I had two prescriptions to pick up and she goes to get them.  Upon her returning her eyes are wide and she speaks into her cool, drive thru mic and says “Do you know how much this insulin costs?” and in my well-mannered voice with kind eyes I say “Yes.  Thank you.”  She proceeds to inform me about various insurances and prescription plans and I continue to be kind and well-mannered which leads to tears upon exiting the drive thru.  Because, in all honesty, what I really wanted to say was “1) Can this pharmacy not keep employees for long because I am here every other month for the past 5 years and I get the same question each time I am there –  do you know how much this insulin costs?  and 2)Yes, lady.  My parents paid a ton for insulin to keep me alive, the military paid a ton for insulin to keep me alive and now my husband has a good job with good health insurance so we can afford to pay $120 per bottle of insulin.  Considering all the bottled insulin I have consumed during the past twenty years, I am a walking millionaire!”   So, I am upset and frustrated which leads to my first blog in a very long time.

You go about this business of caring for yourself and this chronic illness you carry constantly doing your best.   Always thinking two steps ahead as far as food, activity level, stress level and how much insulin you have going or need to have going to balance it.  You go about counting carbs in your head and checking your pump site and tubing and battery and cartridge and making sure you have a clean lancet and enough strips for your time away from home.  You go about the business of carrying enough snacks and supplies along with hope.  Then, you meet someone in a drive thru who doesn’t choose their words carefully or their tone of voice and it sends you into the whirl of “Why?” and “What if?”

So, my head and my heart are now consumed with thoughts of the parents who carry the burdens of raising a child with Type One, those living with Type One who cannot afford the medications and supplies they need.  And, I always go back to the idea of JDRF and the research they are doing and that if I can hang in there long enough so that I do not have to worry about my boys and Type One, I will cheerfully go through the pharmacy drive thru a few more times and deal with the cashier who didn’t quite make my day.

The Viscious Cycle

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I am fortunate enough to see a fabulous endocrinologist.  She is the ideal doctor.  I know this because I have seen many doctors in four different states over the last 20 years, I have been blessed and been challenged and after the birth of my second miracle I knew I had to find the perfect doctor to see me through the next phase of my chronic illness.  She is so ideal, so educated, so perfect that everyone wants to see her and therefore I only see her every 5-6 months (most diabetic check-ups are every 3 months, so I see the CNP in between visits.)  Monday was the day!  My appointment with Dr. Amazing!  After six months at the gym, leveled out meds for my thyroid and depression, better eating habits and more blood sugar checks, I was excited to see if my hard work had paid off!  My A1C dropped .5 points which is good, but not great, not what I had hoped, less than what I expected.  Everything else (eyes, kidneys, thyroid, pump sites, fingers, toes) looks fine.  Everything is still what I have to work at every single day.

Dr. Amazing and I discussed the changes I had made, adjusted my pump settings, set some goals, etc.  She was explaining how diet and exercise does no good for weight loss if it is not backed up with the right amount of sleep and too much stress.  Well, great.  Isn’t that fabulous?  I have been at the gym three times a week for the past six months and have not seen enough changes because of sleep and stress?  Seriously!  And let’s remember, I am one blessed gal.  Should not be stressed about anything.  I will work more on that today.

I spent the rest of Monday trying to rationalize everything and come up with a plan.  It is simple, or so it sounds.  Check my blood sugar more, reduce stress, get enough sleep.  Doesn’t everyone do that???  So, 2am comes along and I get up to check my blood sugar and it is 54.  Time for a snack, another blood sugar check and my normal one hour to get back to sleep.  Here the vicious cycle continues!  Trying to perfect the blood sugars….blood sugar goes low…..lack of sleep…..causes more stress…….no weight lost…..more stress….higher blood sugars….less motivation to constantly do the right thing…..Only I can break the cycle.  Only I can have a more positive attitude with each high or low blood sugar, with each pump problem, with each time my 3-year-old throws a fit as we are getting to the gym.  Only I can choose to put back on the Continuous Glucose Monitor and be annoyed by beeps and a zillion blood sugar checks to lower my A1C.  Only I can check my blood sugar, change my pump, eat the right thing, exercise enough, pray enough, be grateful for research and changes and medical advances.  Only I can hold onto hope while behaving as if this is how it will be.  For the rest of my life.

Monday was National Diabetes Awareness Day.  As I sat in the waiting room for Dr. Amazing surrounded by unhealthy and grumpy people (seriously depressing),  I imagined what it would be like to begin my appointment with her saying “Mendy!  Good news!  There is a cure!  Leave your pump and glucometer and stress at the door and begin your new life!”  I can see this so clearly.  One day….